Time Played: 39 Hours

Last Played: 8/15/2015

GTAV: This is a Formality

Like for real though, is there anyone out there that doesn’t know what Grand Theft Auto V is? Is there anything that I could say that would change someone’s opinion on the game? I mean, probably; but at this point GTAOnline has raked in over five hundred million dollars for Rockstar.
If you want to play GTAV —  you’ve already played it. Potentially on two different console generations at that!

But I’m kinda committed to this whole “review every game I own on steam” thing…

So let’s briefly talk about the finer points of this crime spree simulator:

Do you want to run around fake Los Angeles and steal fast cars, have sex with loose women, and run over, beat up, and shoot anyone that mean mugs you? Well then, finally, a game for you has been made! Except that this is actually the fifteenth GTA game, but that’s beside the point.

Considering that Grand Theft Auto as a whole is, at this point, almost two decades old. Everyone knows what they’re getting themselves into.

But this time around they change it up by letting you have three flavors of homicidal sociopaths!

The relatable criminal that just wants to make it, the relatable sociopath with a heart of gold, and the unrelatable but loveable comic-relief psycho killer!

They’re all great characters for sure, but they’re a bit two dimensional. They’re certainly no John Marston… But I digress.

GTAV presents a pretty good story that I legitimately enjoyed from start to finish. It could be difficult to pull myself away from the murder sandbox at times, as It is all too tempting to steal a car and have the cops chase you for forty five minutes as you cause hundreds of thousands of dollars in damages and unfathomable amounts of emotional trauma. But, when I could force myself to continue down the story missions I always enjoyed myself. The game has a great way of one-upping itself with crazier and crazier objectives. The antics start to become Michael Bay-esque half way through the game.

“We destroyed a cargo ship full of paramilitary contractors in the largest shipping port in the city, during broad daylight, caused millions in damages, and killed upwards of a hundred people! But no one(that lived) saw us… So we’re fine!”

But who are we, mere men, to question the abilities of these gods: Michael; Trevor; and Franklin. Truly their ability to get away with international terrorist levels of destruction are signs that the forces of the cosmos are behind them. Truly the Ruinous Powers themselves have blessed this trio to be their physical avatars of destruction and mayhem on this Earth. This is the only logical conclusion. Blood for the Blood God!

Also it has online. And it’s pretty fun to run around and kill other people. Not in real life though, don’t get them confused.

So, if you’re one of the maybe eight people that haven’t played Grand Theft Auto V. The Steam Summer Sale is in like a week, so you’re in luck!

If you’re looking for a densely packed urban simulation, with outlying suburbs, and a nice hill country to go around and inflict chaos upon — this is your game. It’s one of those games that’s just fun to mess around in. Getting into prolonged chases on the not Pacific Coast Highway is hella dope, yo. If you enjoy dumb stuff like that, then GTAV is your jam.

If you want blatant satirical stereotypes of characters, and american culture that are made specifically to irritate you so you can justify shooting them in the forehead and stabbing their corpse… GTAV is your game.

If you want to obey traffic laws, pay your taxes, and be an upstanding citizen. I mean, you could probably do that; but, like, I’m pretty sure that it’s going to be boring. But hey, who am I to question how you have fun!

GTAV has been out for a while, as you know.

Probably buy it if you don’t have it. I guess.

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