Time Played: 8 Hours

Last Played: 5/18/2016

Mount Your Friends: Simulated Homoeroticism

Well it had to happen some day. Mount your friends, a simulated sports like experience. Or, as most people would probably agree… the big floppy dong simulator. But that doesn’t really roll off the tongue very well does it?

Despite the odd aesthetic and the large amounts of, er, well… how do you say this diplomatically? I guess you can’t, can you? This game is full of dicks. That’s basically the first thing anyone notices. And it’s definitely a NSFW game. Although it does have a safe for work mode, but that defeats the purpose.

Once you can get passed the large amount of flesh on display, Mount your Friends is a very simple game with a convoluted control scheme. The best way to describe it is to say that it’s vertical QWOP. If you’re not familiar with QWOP, it’s a game where you control a runner’s thighs and calfs with the Q, W, O, and P keys.

It’s hard.

With that in mind, Mount your Friends controls in much the same way. With a keyboard and mouse, one of your athlete’s four limbs are mapped to the W, A, S and D keys; and are controlled individually with the mouse. You can also use a gamepad, and each limb is mapped to a face button. You press a key, or face button, and the corresponding limb moves in the direction of the cursor/analog stick. You can only use one limb at a time. While not being used, the ‘inactive’ limbs stick to any surface they are touching– usually another man, flat slapping sounds included.

The goal is to climb as high as possible in one minute. With each competitor needing to get higher than the last. With each of the previous participants creating a massive living tower, all held together with their iron grips and sheer willpower. When you first start playing, the game’s controls are incredibly strange and very unintuitive. It takes some time for you to get used to them. This leads to newer players awkwardly crab walking across the ground and up the tower. but once you do it feels like second nature, and you can pull off some seriously interesting gymnastics.

There are several game modes that alter the base gameplay. Like lowering the gravity, or making you climb out horizontally instead of vertically.

There is online multiplayer, but I’ve only ever played one or two games. Most people just play with their friends locally, as the game only requires one controller that you can pass around to a large of people. I’ve seen about twelve people play at once before with only one controller.

There really isn’t a lot to say about this one. Just by looking at the game you can probably tell whether you’re going to like it or not based on the look.

The main draw comes from the weird controls, the strange premise… and the floppy dongs.

Mounting your friends is fun. Why not mount your friends for $4.99? It’ll be an experience you won’t soon forget.

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